|ex·an·i·mate | no longer living, post-life|
Fri, 2018 Dec 28
I don't know when everything stopped being fun. Slowly, as life has gone on, fun became replaced with projects, deadlines, goals. When one was done, another was waiting to take its place. And I've grown so accustomed to my life being dominated by projects, deadlines, and goals that I stopped enjoying the right now. So much so, in fact, that when I became aware of my own lack of happiness, somewhere past that wall of numbness, I knew that I needed help to work past my current dilemma.
The man I'm discussing my dilemma with says I should focus on process instead of project. Projects are always future based, and process is focusing on what you are doing now. In my profession, everything is project based. So little of it has any focus on process, and as far as many of my colleagues are concerned, it is minutiae that gets in the way of things getting done. I've been trying to focus on the process of the now, but it is difficult. I had to bribe myself to even write about this topic because I have locked the now far away inside myself. Someone who lives in the now would not put up with the kind of demands made by my bosses. Someone like myself, who lives in the now, wouldn't put up with the sacrifices he makes to be with his family.
Emotionally, I'm also hamstrung by being a largish man. I can't get angry, or cry, or show how frustrated I really am. I have to bury that, or people start freaking out and otherwise are afraid of me. Someone else showing the same emotions might get some concern or help. I just get people quivering and telling each other how they are scared of me. So I need to do everything in measured motions and with a smile on my face. Flip side of that is that I can't really show people when I'm happy, or pleased, or other positive emotions because, well, emotions are emotions, none are really good or bad, and if I can't show what people have a hard time with, I can't share the ones they want to see. In my current profession, a lot of time is spent being frustrated, and having conflicting demands coming in from multiple angles because nobody understands what you are doing- which is tough, because I don't know what I am doing half the time, I just get paid to figure something out that makes everyone else happy with the result. There is a comedy sketch called "The Expert". I recommend it because it resembles most of my meetings and expectations of many others I currently deal with.
So, I am here, right now, just typing. Trying to find a way back or forward to a right now where I am comfortable being, and comfortable with my personal choices. This isn't easy.